You could say it's been interesting

Psalm 122

A Song of Ascents. Of David.
¹ I was glad when they said to me,
   ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord!’ 
² Our feet are standing
   within your gates, O Jerusalem. 

³ Jerusalem—built as a city
   that is bound firmly together. 
⁴ To it the tribes go up,
   the tribes of the Lord,
as was decreed for Israel,
   to give thanks to the name of the Lord. 
⁵ For there the thrones for judgement were set up,
   the thrones of the house of David. 

⁶ Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
   ‘May they prosper who love you. 
⁷ Peace be within your walls,
   and security within your towers.’ 
⁸ For the sake of my relatives and friends
   I will say, ‘Peace be within you.’

(The New Revised Standard Version (Anglicized Edition), copyright 1989, 1995 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=356611975)

I think I've been a little lost, somewhat sad, and drifting along. I'm feeling that blessing/curse, "May you live in interesting times." Interesting times are varied, changeable, unusual, unexpected.

I know that many of us have been stunned by the national events of the past six months. At the same time, many of us have also gone through personal life changes that have increased our emotional stress, despair, and/or depression. 

I left the congregation I'd been serving for over 6 years in August of 2016--a decision made because there were barriers arising. I believe that they were signs of the end of a fruitful relationship between us. In spite of some glimpses and glints of green sprouts, there were those determined to stamp them out, purposefully and not.  If you've been a pastor or other leader in the church, you might recognize those times when the same mouth speaks both words of affirmation and death. You might know the one(s) who both recognizes your gifts and rejects them--God only knows why. 

So . . . I've been lost, sad, and drifting for the reasons I share here. 

Woman traveling in pear.

And I struggle with spiritual disciplines--I always have and suspect that I always will. I love the idea of sitting down at the same time several times a day and working on my conversation with God in several creative and exciting ways. The reality is different. I'm not sure I have a scheduled discipline gene, but I still try and hit the mark about 30% of the time--more often if my discipline is helping another be disciplined. I think, as my mother and I used to joke, that's why we travel in pairs.  

It's not that I must be always accountable to someone else--someone with skin on, someone incarnate maybe? But it certainly helps.

It helps me because relationships help me reach goals I've set. I stay accountable to promises made within a relationship with someone else--more accountable than those promises I make to myself. I'm sure that says something about me, about my self-worth. I also think that it says something about what I find important. It is important for me to live up to the expectations and promises that I have made to other people. This may be done out of a need for approval; it may also be done because I deeply when someone doesn't live up to a promise or a responsibility in my life. So when I fall short, I anticipate the disappointment felt by that person. I know how much it hurts me when people ignore a commitment to me--a commitment of any size--that I don't want anyone else to feel that way. 

So, right now, feeling adrift from the church as a part of a regular congregation and and having few concrete nearby relationships I am adrift from discipline--spiritual and otherwise. But I've decided to work on it through this blog and hopefully in ways that move me into communities where I can form and re-form relationships.

Psalm 122 reminds me that God's people have needed a place, time, or people to help us maintain our connections to God and one another. The biblical witness of God's relationship with human beings is rarely (if ever) a matter of an individual's relationship to God. God approaches individuals--Noah, Abraham, Moses, etc. with the purpose of creating a people whose existence will be a witness to God, who will be a light to the nations, who will be the conduit of God's word for all generations. The way that God relates to people is to extend God's presence into the people and through their lives into a community. God's covenants establish God's desire to relate and God's promises and expectations establish what it is that we are to reveal about God's desire to be revealed as peace, as love, as a light to all peoples.